{"id":530,"date":"2009-10-03T07:27:28","date_gmt":"2009-10-03T12:27:28","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/?p=530"},"modified":"2009-10-03T07:27:28","modified_gmt":"2009-10-03T12:27:28","slug":"jeannette-angell","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/","title":{"rendered":"Jeannette Angell"},"content":{"rendered":"

Jeannette Angell: Answers, What I Didn’t Know<\/em><\/p>\n

Answers<\/strong><\/p>\n

It was my friend Rachel who said, I love Emily Post. She asked me to let her know
\nwhen the big white book filled with intricate orders of service for everyday
\n(and not-so-everyday) events and occurrences arrived at the bookshop. You read Emily<\/p>\n

Post? I asked her, waiting for some ironic laughing response (for Rachel was the
\ncoolest of the cool in those days and I was a little in awe of her). But she was serious: I love
\nthe big white book, she said, her dark eyes filled with wonder.<\/p>\n

Where else can you go and it says it has all the answers? I lost Rachel later in the
\nflotsam of those years that were unkind to so many of us: but later I was in a bookshop<\/p>\n

myself, my hand lingering on that thick white spine, and I pulled the Emily Post
\ndown off the shelf. It was heavy in my hands, weighty with wisdom that
\nproclaimed it had an answer to everything, and now I think I know<\/p>\n

what Rachel was talking about. We all need limits, and you have to know what the
\nrules are before you break them: but the night of Cece\u2019s suicide I understood that
\nnobody has all the solutions, not even Emily Post, not even little lost Rachel, and<\/p>\n

what the book gives you at best is a consolation prize: something to cling to
\nwhen you still believe that somewhere<\/p>\n

there might yet be answers.<\/p>\n

What I Didn’t Know<\/strong><\/p>\n

You said, we\u2019re safe from all that, laughing at the women\u2019s shelter where we donated clothes and
\nhelped out at holidays: at least we don\u2019t<\/p>\n

need to worry about abusive husbands or boyfriends, now that we\u2019re out and proud. And I
\nbelieved you were right\u2014women<\/p>\n

are not the cause of violence in the world, but what I didn\u2019t know was that violence wears
\ndisguises. And the first time you made fun of me<\/p>\n

in front of someone I never saw it as the beginning of something bigger. I looked out past the
\nrocks to where the humpbacks rise and fall and<\/p>\n

began to feel something else was out there, just under the waves, something dark and lurking:
\nwhat I didn\u2019t know<\/p>\n

was that it had never been out there. It was always in here. When it\u2014they tell me it always does\u2014
\ngot worse, I never labeled it (though<\/p>\n

I stopped going to the women\u2019s shelter: their eyes were too-bright mirrors and I couldn\u2019t stand
\nthe reflection) still believing you, that it was<\/p>\n

my fault, my inadequacy, my lack of whatever it was you wanted in that moment: that I could
\nnever make it up to you, for being me: you made me believe<\/p>\n

and trust only your skewed version of reality. You never hit me, and that was why I stayed,
\nbecause I couldn\u2019t believe what I couldn\u2019t label:<\/p>\n

what I didn\u2019t know was that what you did was far worse, stripping me of feelings and thoughts
\nand my sense of self. And when I finally understood you cried<\/p>\n

and asked me \u2014 you dared ask me \u2014 what you would do without me. The humpbacks have come
\nand gone eight times since then, and I sometimes still see you in town,<\/p>\n

entwined with another woman, but I close my ears to the gossip we delight in here at the end of
\nthe world and remember only that last question, and wish I\u2019d had<\/p>\n

the strength to answer with the words I want to say now: that, as a man would say<\/p>\n

I simply don\u2019t give a damn.<\/p>\n

Jeannette Angell is a poet, playwright, and novelist who lives and works in Provincetown<\/span> at the tip of Cape Cod. More about her at www.JeannetteAngell.com<\/span><\/a>.<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Jeannette Angell: Answers, What I Didn’t Know Answers It was my friend Rachel who said, I love Emily Post. She asked me to let her know when the big white book filled with intricate orders of service for everyday (and not-so-everyday) events and occurrences arrived at the bookshop. You read Emily Post? I asked her, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[9],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-530","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-october-2009"],"yoast_head":"\nJeannette Angell - Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)<\/title>\n<meta name=\"robots\" content=\"index, follow, max-snippet:-1, max-image-preview:large, max-video-preview:-1\" \/>\n<link rel=\"canonical\" href=\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:locale\" content=\"en_US\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:type\" content=\"article\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:title\" content=\"Jeannette Angell - Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:description\" content=\"Jeannette Angell: Answers, What I Didn’t Know Answers It was my friend Rachel who said, I love Emily Post. She asked me to let her know when the big white book filled with intricate orders of service for everyday (and not-so-everyday) events and occurrences arrived at the bookshop. You read Emily Post? I asked her, […]\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:url\" content=\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/\" \/>\n<meta property=\"og:site_name\" content=\"Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)\" \/>\n<meta property=\"article:published_time\" content=\"2009-10-03T12:27:28+00:00\" \/>\n<meta name=\"author\" content=\"ElynnAlexander\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:card\" content=\"summary_large_image\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:creator\" content=\"@elynnalexander\" \/>\n<meta name=\"twitter:label1\" content=\"Written by\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data1\" content=\"ElynnAlexander\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:label2\" content=\"Est. reading time\" \/>\n\t<meta name=\"twitter:data2\" content=\"3 minutes\" \/>\n<script type=\"application\/ld+json\" class=\"yoast-schema-graph\">{\"@context\":\"https:\/\/schema.org\",\"@graph\":[{\"@type\":\"WebPage\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/\",\"name\":\"Jeannette Angell - Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)\",\"isPartOf\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#website\"},\"datePublished\":\"2009-10-03T12:27:28+00:00\",\"dateModified\":\"2009-10-03T12:27:28+00:00\",\"author\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#\/schema\/person\/8aa50927b6e529e3d4bc18c86ca8c7a2\"},\"breadcrumb\":{\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/#breadcrumb\"},\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"ReadAction\",\"target\":[\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/\"]}]},{\"@type\":\"BreadcrumbList\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/#breadcrumb\",\"itemListElement\":[{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":1,\"name\":\"Home\",\"item\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/\"},{\"@type\":\"ListItem\",\"position\":2,\"name\":\"Jeannette Angell\"}]},{\"@type\":\"WebSite\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#website\",\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/\",\"name\":\"Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)\",\"description\":\"Archives Of Previous Issues\",\"potentialAction\":[{\"@type\":\"SearchAction\",\"target\":{\"@type\":\"EntryPoint\",\"urlTemplate\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/?s={search_term_string}\"},\"query-input\":{\"@type\":\"PropertyValueSpecification\",\"valueRequired\":true,\"valueName\":\"search_term_string\"}}],\"inLanguage\":\"en-US\"},{\"@type\":\"Person\",\"@id\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#\/schema\/person\/8aa50927b6e529e3d4bc18c86ca8c7a2\",\"name\":\"ElynnAlexander\",\"sameAs\":[\"http:\/\/www.elynnalexander.com\",\"https:\/\/x.com\/elynnalexander\"],\"url\":\"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/author\/admin\/\"}]}<\/script>\n<!-- \/ Yoast SEO plugin. -->","yoast_head_json":{"title":"Jeannette Angell - Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)","robots":{"index":"index","follow":"follow","max-snippet":"max-snippet:-1","max-image-preview":"max-image-preview:large","max-video-preview":"max-video-preview:-1"},"canonical":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/","og_locale":"en_US","og_type":"article","og_title":"Jeannette Angell - Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)","og_description":"Jeannette Angell: Answers, What I Didn’t Know Answers It was my friend Rachel who said, I love Emily Post. She asked me to let her know when the big white book filled with intricate orders of service for everyday (and not-so-everyday) events and occurrences arrived at the bookshop. You read Emily Post? I asked her, […]","og_url":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/","og_site_name":"Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)","article_published_time":"2009-10-03T12:27:28+00:00","author":"ElynnAlexander","twitter_card":"summary_large_image","twitter_creator":"@elynnalexander","twitter_misc":{"Written by":"ElynnAlexander","Est. reading time":"3 minutes"},"schema":{"@context":"https:\/\/schema.org","@graph":[{"@type":"WebPage","@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/","url":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/","name":"Jeannette Angell - Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)","isPartOf":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#website"},"datePublished":"2009-10-03T12:27:28+00:00","dateModified":"2009-10-03T12:27:28+00:00","author":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#\/schema\/person\/8aa50927b6e529e3d4bc18c86ca8c7a2"},"breadcrumb":{"@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/#breadcrumb"},"inLanguage":"en-US","potentialAction":[{"@type":"ReadAction","target":["https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/"]}]},{"@type":"BreadcrumbList","@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/2009\/10\/jeannette-angell\/#breadcrumb","itemListElement":[{"@type":"ListItem","position":1,"name":"Home","item":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/"},{"@type":"ListItem","position":2,"name":"Jeannette Angell"}]},{"@type":"WebSite","@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#website","url":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/","name":"Full Of Crow: Poetry (Archives)","description":"Archives Of Previous Issues","potentialAction":[{"@type":"SearchAction","target":{"@type":"EntryPoint","urlTemplate":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/?s={search_term_string}"},"query-input":{"@type":"PropertyValueSpecification","valueRequired":true,"valueName":"search_term_string"}}],"inLanguage":"en-US"},{"@type":"Person","@id":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/#\/schema\/person\/8aa50927b6e529e3d4bc18c86ca8c7a2","name":"ElynnAlexander","sameAs":["http:\/\/www.elynnalexander.com","https:\/\/x.com\/elynnalexander"],"url":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/author\/admin\/"}]}},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=530"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/530\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=530"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=530"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.fullofcrow.com\/poetry\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=530"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}